I have been blessed to help clients throughout the years with the purchase and sale of many properties and while it doesn’t happen on every transaction, there is a phrase out there that when uttered, can quickly derail an otherwise smooth transaction.
“It’s the principle of the matter.”
Such a simple statement, yet one that can stop everything in its tracks. Now, Morgan – don’t you think you’re being a bit dramatic? On the surface, this concept is good! Admirable even! We all want fairness. We want justice. We want respect. Those are all good things to strive for! But when those things become the focus of our attention and efforts, someone will inevitably be disappointed.
From my quick research (ahem – google search), there is no single, documented inventor of the phrase but rather, it’s evolved “from common English usage to describe actions motivated by moral, ethical, or logical rules rather than practical considerations.”
Okay, this may be a silly visual but when “the principle of the matter” comes into play, I immediately see two people, each digging their heels in and sinking deeper and deeper in the mud. Have you ever tried to jump out of a thick mud puddle in rain boots? You run the risk of losing a shoe, your balance and your sanity. The same is true for a real estate transaction. When you dig in and lose sight of the ultimate goal, you may lose a house, your balance AND your sanity. That’s what we want to avoid!
Here is the reality as it relates to real estate. Real estate is not a courtroom. It is a negotiation with a goal. A goal that you and the other party are both striving towards. Whether it’s the purchase of your next home or the sale of one, it’s important to stay out of the mud and focus on a solution.
When clients become married to the idea of the “principle”, the focus quickly shifts from the outcome to the emotion. A $1,500 repair request becomes a personal dig at the seller and is clearly an attack on who they are deep down, how they are as a wife/husband, and how many times they kicked their dog. Okay, that last part may be a bit dramatic (and dripping in sarcasm) but hopefully you get my point. In this specific situation, a closing date becomes the carrot the Buyer dangles in front of the Seller to “strong arm” them into compliance. A concession negotiation becomes a game of who will win and who will lose.
Aaaaand here is where we stall. It doesn’t have to be this way!
The cost of being “right”.
While it’s not often, I have seen transactions fall apart over small items, that in the grand scheme of things, had little impact on the client’s long-term goals.
A question I like to ask if we’ve reached this point is:
Is this about your overall objective? Or is this your pride talking?
Walking away on principle can mean:
- Losing the home you loved
- Restarting days or weeks of market time (and then running into the same issues with another Buyer)
- Paying more in a rising market
- Missing favorable terms that won’t come again
- Potential lawsuits
- Unnecessary stress (and who needs more stress in their lives, am I right?)
In North Idaho’s competitive and relationship-driven market, momentum matters. Deals are living, moving things. When we freeze them over a point of pride, we often sacrifice the very outcome we were trying to protect.
Strategy Over Standoff
This doesn’t mean you should accept unfair terms. Advocacy matters. Strong negotiation matters. Protecting your interests absolutely matters.
But effective negotiation asks a different question:
What gets you to the closing table with the best overall outcome for all parties?
- Sometimes that means conceding a small item to secure a larger win.
- Sometimes it means reframing the issue so both parties feel heard.
- Sometimes it means recognizing that a “loss” on paper is actually a gain in timing, certainty, or opportunity.
That’s not weakness—that’s leverage.
Being principled is a virtue.
Being principle-driven in a negotiation can be a liability.
In real estate, success doesn’t come from “winning” every line item.
It comes from achieving the outcome that moves your life forward.
And sometimes the most powerful move you can make is letting go of the need to be right—so you can get what you actually came for: the keys, the sale, and the next chapter.
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